Chapter 102 My fear of loneliness

Journalist: “So, you were practically without a family, just alone. Towards the end of your days, did you feel especially lonely?”

Mao: “Yes, I felt extremely lonely towards the end. I only had Zhang Yufeng who was somewhat trustworthy because she was a young woman, innocent, without ambition, and would listen to me. I could fully control her. I half-believed everyone else.”

Journalist: “Throughout your life, having so many comrades and colleagues, were there one or two confidants with whom you could share intimate thoughts?”

Mao: “No, not a single one. I never let anyone know my heart. What I thought in my heart, I couldn’t say out loud. I could only let people guess, but not let them guess it all at once. I planned in secret, unable to bring it out into the sunlight. If someone were to see through me, I would fail. From the time I went up Jinggang Mountain in 1927, I never had a close friend, never had a heartfelt conversation with anyone. So, my inner self was completely lonely.”

Journalist: “With such loneliness, did you feel secure? Did you have any sense of fear?”

Mao: “My sense of fear was very strong. Since Jinggang Mountain, fear accompanied me for 50 years. I never had a sense of security throughout my life, fearing the loss of power and fearing for my life. I only had a temporary sense of security when I was surrounded by my trusted guards. I enjoyed traveling in a special train because it had 200 guards accompanying me. I didn’t feel safe in an airplane, and I also feared that someone might cause an accident to make the plane crash, so I didn’t like flying. In 1945, when I was forced to go to Chongqing to negotiate with Chiang Kai-shek and was away from my guards, entering an environment controlled by Chiang Kai-shek, I felt anxious all day, fearing he might cause an accident to harm me. Zhou Enlai and I went to the Soviet Embassy a few times and asked what would happen if an accident occurred. The Soviet ambassador did not give a clear answer, which increased my fear. Fortunately, Chiang Kai-shek was somewhat of a gentleman and had moral principles. If he had caused an accident to kill me, I would have had no way to handle it.”

Journalist: “You trust the people who serve you around you, don’t you?”

Mao: “Generally, yes, but I also remain cautious. For example, when a barber cuts my hair, I don’t allow them to use a razor to shave my beard. I fear that someone might bribe the barber and conspire to cut my neck with a knife, and then it would be over for me, and they would have control of the entire court. That’s why I never allow the use of a razor.”

Journalist: “With the constant sense of fear, it’s no wonder you often had insomnia and couldn’t sleep.”

Mao: “The sense of fear made me mentally tense, causing long-term insomnia. I could only fall asleep with the help of strong sleeping pills, which damaged my nerves and led to an incurable illness.”